Jim Gaffigan Quotes

And then Dick called and said, I'm going to do a special called Dick Van Dyke and the other woman, that would be you, because every time I try to check into a hotel with my wife, they look at me as though I'm cheating on Laura.

Jerry Seinfeld, he was doing Letterman show all the time, so he kind of had an excuse, that people know the jokes already. He didn't have time to do stand-up. A guy like me, I have no excuses.

My only good result in 1997 was marrying Brooke Shields.

For Joey Bishop, always was kind of the lost soul, so I did a traffic joke.

I never wanted to churn it out. Comedians tend to work all the time. They never put it down like musicians who might make an album then take three or four years off to recharge their batteries. Comedians tend to work straight through and they get stale because of that. Even when I didn't have a lot of money I never ever did it unless I had something new to say.

You get to a certain point, especially if you're a comedian, where people think certain things. It's like, I don't take the time to explain it to people, it's just part of what I do.

If you're into comedy, you will know what the show is about. We have so many comedy geeks, comedy enthusiasts, fanatical people who go to comedy festivals and follow comedians, and really treat it like rock 'n' roll - which it can be, but more like the geeky rock 'n' roll.

Jessica Simpson attended boyfriend Tony Romo's football game. The Cowboys quarterback had the worst game of his career. It's a bad year for the name Simpson. Even O. J. is pissed - he feels like they're making his name look bad.

I'm never home. I miss birthdays. I miss holidays. I miss anniversaries. I miss special moments. I'm not always there for important times, because I'm out on the road trying to make people laugh. I give up my privacy. I give up the ability to walk somewhere and relax.

Many people are skeptical about marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Pressley. They say, Lisa Marie is more of a sit at home type, while Michael Jackson is more of a homosexual pedophile.

Somebody I love and have a huge amount of respect for once told me something that, to this day, I don't really think I understand. It was probably toward the end of Harry Potter, and they were talking to me about afterwards and that kind of stuff. And they were saying, "You need to think of yourself as a brand and you need to protect that brand." I just don't understand what that really means in terms of being an actor, and I also think I would find that a slightly soul-destroying way to look at myself.

I was kind of embarrassed by some of the films I had done. I was like, "Oh, they're going to think I don't have street cred."

Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series.

I have to make good things so good comedians want to talk to me.

I'm tired of explaining to Hollywood that people would laugh at me, because I go around America making them laugh every week. Nobody would be offended, nobody would think my leather pants are too controversial.

I'm a big comedy nerd, so I'm always looking for the chance to be funny.

When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.

I'm friends with a lot of comedians, but we don't talk about material. Most comedians I know don't watch a lot of other comedy.

Australians, we've got a very healthy sense of humor in us. God forbid we take ourselves too seriously so it's kind of a cultural trait.

It's difficult on my dating life, because anyone I get photographed with is automatically my boyfriend. So it just makes it look as if I've had, like, 6,000 boyfriends!

I'm a comedian and there are a lot of things I'm still learning. I love one liners because I love smart jokes. I also don't like complaining about society or whining about my life on stage.

I know Dave [Attel] and we're friendly, and I have nothing but respect for him.

I think the Donald Trump's obsession is, is bigger than just polling. I mean it's funny because we've been harping on polls like never before, Trump was harping on his own polls endlessly. I mean his stump speeches would begin with him crowing about his latest poll numbers and that was just a kind of odd convergence.

I try to stay with it and I try to stay in contact with comedians and just keep comedians in my life 'cause comedians are their own species. If you get away from them, especially as a comedian, I think it's dangerous.

There's a tendency for Americans, particularly the simpler you are, the more you believe in the president as the kind of person to be.