JACK BENNY

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.

Modesty is my best quality.

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

Gags die, humor doesn't.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

Try to save something while your salary is small; it's impossible to save after you begin to earn more.

I began my show business career playing violin in San Francisco at the corner of Market and Taylor. I understand that there is a theater there now.

When you talk about the world's greatest entertainer you have to say Al Jolson because there was no one like him. Only Judy Garland and perhaps Frank Sinatra got anywhere near him!

I feel responsible for Johnny Ray's success. See many years ago I asked him to be on my show and he asked for a lot of money and I cried. And he stole that from me.

I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray.

I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.

There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.

When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.

I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.

I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them.