GROUCHO MARX

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Humor is reason gone mad.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.