RODNEY DANGERFIELD

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.