W. C. FIELDS

Never give a sucker an even break.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

I must have a drink of breakfast.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.