CHRIS ROCK

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.

My first year on 'SNL', I made $90,000 dollars. And I bought a red Corvette for $45,000 dollars. I'm thinking, 'I've got 45 grand left!' Taxes didn't even come into my equation. At the end of the first year of making 90 grand I was 25, 30 in the hole. We live in this baller, spend-money culture.

I love being famous. It's almost like being white.

Being with my kids is the best, most fun thing; it's a privilege.

You don't need a critic to tell you people aren't laughing.

No film critic's going to say it, but 'Madagascar 3' is better than 'The Artist.'

Bill Cosby was the first comedian I was exposed to, because he doesn't curse.

Jokes rot. They're not like songs. I always envy singers - Sting is always going to sing 'Roxanne'. But people want to hear new jokes. I've written jokes as good as 'Roxanne', I believe. But I can't tell them again.

Men lie the most. Men lie all the time.

I have my own demons and dark moods. It's weird.

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Comedy is a group activity, a verbal orgy.

A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material.

I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.

Black people have been qualified to be president for hundreds of years. George Washington Carver could have been president. I could go on with a list of black men that were qualified to be the president of the United States. So the Obama victory is progress for white people.

After I left high school and got my GED, I studied broadcast journalism for a year at a community college.

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

Sometimes people offer you plays, they offer you parts, but they only offer it because I'm famous.

America is the greatest country in the whole world.

Show me one guy or woman as funny as Rodney Dangerfield or as good as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, or Joan Rivers. There are a lot of good comics out there, no doubt, but as far as the quality of the comics goes, I think what you have is a bunch of situational comics.

A sense of humor is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Dude, I didn't say Jude Law can't act. I didn't say Jude Law was in bad movies. I just said he's in every movie.

Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.

I'm a big fan of Katt Williams, Jim Gaffigan, Louie CK, Margaret Cho, Kathy Griffin, Rich Vas, Joey Vega and Matt Claybrooks.