RON WHITE

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.

I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative. If you're a painter and someone stretches your canvas, it was collaborative on some level.

I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow.

I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.

But I work harder now because I have so much more exposure. And actually the harder you work as a writer, the better you get at it. It's like anything else. It's a muscle you have to exercise. I write more now than ever.

There are two kinds of comics; there are the ones who build bridges, and then there are the people who walk across the bridges as though they built them. The bridge builders are few and far between.

You can't fix stupid.

I'm definitely guilty of thinking something is funny but thinking the audience won't. Then three years later I will finally try it and it'll kill them. I got to give them more credit.

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic.

I'd rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part.

The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can't even spell. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper.

The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off.

I really understood a lot more about comedy after listening to Bill Hicks, who died at 32 years old. He's probably the best comedian who ever lived. Although you can't say that because of Carlin, Cosby and Pryor.

Anybody could say anything they want about me, and it literally never penetrates my skin.

I do live like a rock star, but it's not as great as it sounds. It's a lot of traveling.

I've never been one to look up the ladder. I've always looked down the ladder. As long as there's one guy down there, I'm fine.

Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

There have been times in my life that I've had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years.

Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.

I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.

I don't do any corporate work.

When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range.