Demetri Martin Quotes

Actually, I am a golfer. That is my real occupation. I never was an actor. Ask anybody, particularly the critics.

I said to myself, "If the government thinks I'm an artist, I must be one."

I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."

You ARE Zaphod Beeblebrox?' 'Yeah,' said Zaphod, 'but don't shout it out or they'll all want one.' 'THE Zaphod Beeblebrox?' 'No, just A Zaphod Beeblebrox, didn't you hear I come in six packs?' 'But sir,' it squealed, 'I just heard on the sub-ether radio report. It said you were dead...' 'Yeah, that's right, I just haven't stopped moving yet.

At one time, I had it notarised that I was from another planet. By a lawyer.

I misdirect the audience, so they have no idea where they are or who they're listening to.

It's funny - if you impersonate somebody, they have no idea it's them.

My real last name is Galifianakisburg.

I can explain that shot. Arnold moved his wallet to the other pocket.

My last name is actually my middle name. Gotcha!

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

I suppose I shouldn't go around admitting I speak untruths on the radio. When I say something untrue on the air, I mean for it to be transparently untrue. I assume people know when I'm just saying something for effect. Or to be funny.

You know, I've got a confession to make myself. I'm not really a priest, I've just got my shirt on backwards.

If I book a table at a pub, or I've got an appointment at an optician's or something, I'll walk in and I'll say, 'This is Tom Jones here,' And they'll go 'Awww, I thought it was gonna be him.' They think it's gonna be the real guy. I've been ridiculed a lot throughout my life for it.

Only two people are permitted to refer to themselves as "We"—a king, and a man with a tapeworm inside of him.

The funny response to 'One Mississippi' continues to be that people don't know what is true and what's fiction.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

I like when I tweet about Tony Hawk. A lot of times, people think it's true; like, I've tweeted about having lunch with him a lot, and people are like, 'Oh, how was he?' or, like, 'Do you have a pic?' I don't know how to explain it. He's right at the level where people could almost believe it, but it's also a really weird pairing.

I would like permission to fetch a note from my mother, sir' Ridcully sighed. 'Rincewind, you once informed me, to my everlasting puzzlement, that you never knew your mother because she ran away before you were born. Distinctly remember writing it down in my diary. Would you like another try?' 'Permission to go and find my mother?'

Noise is an easy thing to hide behind. If you make a lot of noise and shout behind that, nobody can tell what you're singing.

Little fussy Otto, in his red-lined black opera cloak with pockets for all his gear, his shiny black shoes, his carefully cut widow's peak and, not least, his ridiculous accent that grew thicker or thinner depending on who he was talking to, did not look like a threat. He looked funny, a joke, a music-hall vampire. It had never previously occurred to Vimes that, just possibly, the joke was on other people.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

They muddy the water, to make it seem deep.

I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."