FRANK CARSON

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.

The thirties were troublesome in Belfast, and then of course there was no work for people, and it was terribly religiously divided.

My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'

America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people.

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.

Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.

The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.