Satire Quotes

The wisest and the best of men, nay, the wisest and best of their actions, may be rendered ridiculous by a person whose first object in life is a joke.

I just wanted laughs - that's really what I was after.

Imitation is the sincerest form of insult.

Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. (Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)

Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

I read the paper every day and the Bible every day; that way I know what both sides are up to.

The Holy Roman Empire is neither Holy, nor Roman, nor an Empire.

I began life as an absolute monarchist - on condition, of course, that I be that monarch.

I'm a very observational type of comedian that points out everyday absurdities.

If I had my choice I would kill every reporter in the world, but I am sure we would be getting reports from Hell before breakfast.

You may be sure that the Americans will commit all the stupidities they can think of, plus some that are beyond imagination.

Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore, in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long, seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.

It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.

The Book of Mormon is chloroform in print.

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than what they think laughable.

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Jerry's the only man I ever knew who's so dumb he can't fart and chew gum at the same time.

If God had wanted man to play soccer, he wouldn't have given us arms.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others.

The more serious the situation, the funnier the comedy can be. The greatest comedy plays against the greatest tragedy. Comedy is a red rubber ball and if you throw it against a soft, funny wall, it will not come back. But if you throw it against the hard wall of ultimate reality, it will bounce back and be very lively. Very, very few people understand this.

First, God made idiots, but that was just for practice. Then he made school boards.

Above all else, the devil can not stand to be mocked.