Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.

Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

I can resist everything except temptation.

I think I would have taken a (expletive) load of Advil.

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

I have the biggest sweet tooth ever. I love chocolate, I love sugar, all that stuff. But I've learned to kind of not eat it but just treat myself every now and then with something. Because if you avoid it completely, then I personally go crazy.

Everybody is corrupted by hotel rooms. You can't help it. It's the only place in the world where you walk in and the first think you do is steal everything before you take your coat off.

Aspirin is perfectly legal, but if you take 13 of them motherf***ers, it'll be your last headache.

I try to keep in shape and I always have to check myself. Whenever I binge eat, sweets are the one temptation.

If people only knew how much I secretly hated them, they'd love me for holding it in.

Let's be honest, this is a consumer based economy in America. That's all we manufacture here is need and appetite. We are the world's mouth. They make things in other countries, and they're like, 'Send it to America; they'll eat it.'

...lust is only a sweet poison for the weakling, but for those who will with a lion's heart it is the reverently reserved wine of wines.

That sweet sleep which medicines all pain.

I want a new drug, one that won't make me sick. One that won't make me crash my car, or make my head three feet thick.

You shouldn't be told you're completely irresponsible and be left alone with too much medication. It's too easy to forget. You take a couple of sleeping pills and you wake up in twenty minutes and forget you've taken them. So you take a couple more, and the next thing you know you've taken too many.

Once in a while I say, 'Go for it' and I eat chocolate.

It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it - The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.

and i wouldn't say no to something sweet.

I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is 'If it feels good - stop.'

We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for "add sugar to".

I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.

I have no will power when it comes to sweets. I have a sweet tooth.