Gilbert Gottfried Quotes

This is the way I look when I'm sober. That's enough to make a person drink, wouldn't you say?

If drunk were cookies, I'd be Famous Amos

It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?

I'm glad I don't have a drinking problem,' I confided, 'because I don't think I'd ever be able to quit.

So what are you planning to do with the rest of your life? Develop a drinking problem. More Scotch, please.

Friend of mine just told me he used to be a bad alcoholic. I calmed him down. Told him he was a good alcoholic just a horrible drinker.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

I don't have a drinking problem 'Cept when I can't get a drink.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water.

There are more old drunks than there are old doctors.

There are more old drunkards than old doctors.

If you don't think you've got the blues, just keep living, and if you don't think you're drunk, just keep drinking what you're drinking.

When you're thirty-five, you can't take as much booze ... and I always got a little violent on drink...So it was kind of self-destructive suicide side of me, which is resolving itself for the better, I believe, because I never enjoyed it.

I stopped drinking when I was 23. I kind of started when I was 13, so it was a 10-year run. But I just became a bad, annoying drunk child, so when I stopped, I'd done a lot of things I wasn't proud of.

When I think back kind of on starting my career, the last place I thought I would be would be spending a lot of time in Brooklyn.

I'm probably better than I ever was in my career, as far as the mental aspect of the game.

I was carrying a beautiful alcoholic conflagration around with me. The thing fed on its own heat and flamed the fiercer. There was no time, in all my waking time, that I didn't want a drink. I began to anticipate the completion of my daily thousand words by taking a drink when only five hundred words were written. It was not long until I prefaced the beginning of the thousand words with a drink.

Anybody can be a non-drunk. It takes a special talent to be a drunk. It takes endurance. Endurance is more important than truth.

My wife has told me since that I was hungover every mornng until about two in the afternoon, and from five until midnight I was drunk out of my mind. So she says there was this period of about three hours when she could talk to me like a rational human being.

I'm dealing with my drinking problem and I have a reputation for getting things done.

I had a friend who was a heavy drinker. If somebody asked him if he'd been drunk the night before, he would always answer offhandedly, 'Oh, I imagine.' I've always liked that answer. It acknowledges life as a dream.

When I first started drinking, it was working for me. It was great. Like when you're doing a gig and you're in a band and you're in the truck and there's nothing to do in the truck and the gigs are all the same and the hotels are all the same...it's the hotels, the car, the gig.

I spent so much of my younger life drinking, and being drunk makes learning to be a grown-up kind of hard.

I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.