Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

I'm not a heavy drinker, I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

In my family, they were all big boozers.

First the man takes a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes the man.

Liquor drinking is not a wrong; but excessive drinking is.

The benefit of drinking alcohol is very minimal and the harm of it is as bad as what a knife can do.

Sometimes people say, do you want a drink? And I say, oh, I'd like to, but I'm a tragic alcoholic. I always say tragic. I'm a tragic alcoholic.

It's that idea that you can have one drink - and no you can't. Within a week I was drinking heavily. It was so quick that even I was like, 'Wow.'

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or so good as drink.

It’s just that I’d rather die of drink than of thirst.

I don't have a drinking problem 'Cept when I can't get a drink.

Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.

He's so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he'd burn for three days.

All men, even those we call savages, have been so tormented by the passion for strong drinks, that limited as their capacities were, they were yet able to manufacture them.

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.

One can drink too much, but one never drinks enough.

Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I'm thirsty, not dirty.

It's not a crime to get drunk.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

He is a drunkard who takes more than three glasses though he be not drunk.

But who is it that has made my people drunk? Indians cannot make whiskey. Indians do not sell it. But white people make it and bring it among us. It is they that have brought the evil upon us and we cannot remove it. The white people can remove it and now we call upon them to do it. We ask them to take their whiskey and run away, and leave us sober as they found us.

The greatest pleasure of this people [Russians] is drunkenness.

... the sin of drunkenness which is the root of all sins.

We are fighting Germany, Austria and drink, and as far as I can see, the greatest of these three deadly foes is drink.

It is an unhappy thing that in later years a Kind of Drink called Rum has been common among us. They that are poor and wicked, too, can for a penny make themselves drunk.