JOE E. LEWIS

I drink to forget I drink.

I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.

Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.

It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor - as long as you've got money.

It pays to get drunk with the best people.

I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them.

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.

Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I'm thirsty, not dirty.

There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty.

They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses.

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

You only live once - but if you work it right, once is enough.

I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin.

Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to the wrong people.

Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on.

If you want to make a dangerous man your friend, let him do you a favor.

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.

A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.

I would take a bomb, but I can't stand the noise.

We can afford almost any mistake once.

Show me a man with very little money and I will show you a bum.

Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for U.S. Steel.

I met with an accident on the way to the track; I arrived safely.