Don Marquis Quotes

There's nothing like watching Dr. Oz and working out at the same time; you feel like you're the healthiest human being on the planet.

Thank God I'm an atheist.

I am an atheist still, thank God.

I like the story about Henry David Thoreau, who, when he was on his death bed, his family sent for a minister. The minister said, 'Henry, have you made your peace with God?' Thoreau said, 'I didn't know we'd quarreled.'

If God had wanted man to play soccer, he wouldn't have given us arms.

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

I read the Bible when I was 12 while studying for my bar mitzvah. I was also reading a lot of Dilbert comics at the time, and I guess the two kind of got fused in my mind. I've always imagined God as an irrational, distractible boss. It's my best explanation for our planet.

My mother was the sweetest lady who ever lived on this planet, but if you tried to tell her that Jesus wasn't a Christian, she would stomp you to death.

I think God gave us senses of humor, and we should use them.

I'm an atheist and I thank God for it.

I wonder: when a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to Heaven, does God hide behind the door and pretend He's not home?

Ah, bless you, Sister, may all your sons be bishops.

I'm a holy man minus the holiness.

God will forgive me. It's his job.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

I think God has a tremendous sense of humor.

We have to believe in free will. We’ve got no choice.

There is no God and we are his prophets.

I'm dying, but otherwise I'm in very good health.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

And on the seventh day, god stepped back and said and said, "This is my creation, perfect in every way... oh, dammit I left all this pot all over the place. Now they'll think I want them to smoke it... Now I have to create Republicans."

As for George Bush of Kennebunkport, Maine- personally I think he's further evidence that the Great Scriptwriter in the Sky has an overdeveloped sense of irony.

If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists in the Bible.

Education is worth a whole lot. Just think - with enough education and brains the average man would make a good lawyer - and so would the average lawyer.

Eat few suppers, and you'll need few medicines.