GRACIE ALLEN

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

This used to be a government of checks and balances. Now it's all checks and no balances.

When my mother had to get dinner for 8 she'd just make enough for 16 and only serve half.

Brains, integrity, and force may be all very well, but what you need today is Charm. Go ahead and work on your economic programs if you want to, I'll develop my radio personality.

The President of today is the postage stamp of tomorrow.

I really don't act. I just live what George and I are doing. It has to make some sort of sense to me, or it won't ring true. No matter what the script says, there's no audience and no footlights and no camera for me. There's no make-believe. It's for real.

The on-stage Gracie may look poised, but the real Gracie is shy, a little self-conscious, and, before every performance of my life, panicky.

This country needs room to grow and expand. In all my own newspapers I read frightful tales of the shameful atrocities being perpetrated on our Democratic minorities in Maine and Vermont. My patience is almost at an end, and if provoked much further I will place both countries under American protection, even if I have to send in my tourists to start trouble so I'll have to send in a force to restore order.

Some people are amazed at my brain, but really it's nothing.

This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them.

Classic Recipe for Roast Beef: 1 large Roast of beef 1 small Roast of beef Take the two roasts and put them in the oven. When the little one burns, the big one is done.

I don't see what difference it makes what side it's [your bread] buttered on. I always eat both sides.

My husband will never chase another woman. He's too fine, too decent, too old.

They laughed at Joan of Arc, but she went right ahead and built it.

Never place a period where God has placed a comma.

Education is worth a whole lot. Just think - with enough education and brains the average man would make a good lawyer - and so would the average lawyer.

Cultivate friendships. If you don't have time to cultivate all of them, plow under every fifth one and collect your bonus.

My mind works so fast. When I think of something I say it. Lots of times I say it even before I think of it.

Try to understand me. Nothing is impossible.

I left my car parked at the top of Lombard Street Hill, and I forgot to put the breaks on. It's the funniest thing. The car is running down the hill.

Every politician must be able to keep both feet on the fence with his ear to the ground.

I read a book twice as fast as anybody else. First, I read the beginning, and then I read the ending, and then I start in the middle and read toward whatever end I like best.

I'm having my platform run up by a movie set designer, so it will be very impressive from the front, but not too premanent. After all, there's no sense putting a lot of time and thought into something you'll have no use for after you're elected.

I'm the candidate who forgot to take off her hat before she threw it in the ring.