MOLLY IVINS

As they say around the Texas Legislature, if you can't drink their whiskey, screw their women, take their money, and vote against 'em anyway, you don't belong in office.

You can't ignore politics, no matter how much you'd like to.

I've always found it easier to be funny than to be serious.

Being slightly paranoid is like being slightly pregnant - it tends to get worse.

If you really wanted to settle down the Middle East, if what you wanted was change in the Middle East, it is perfectly obvious that the first step is resolving the Israeli/Palestinian conflict.

And the funny thing is, I've always been an optimist - it's practically a congenital disorder with me.

I never saw anything funnier than Texas politics.

Some days, I'd feel better with Punxsutawney Phil in the Oval Office - at least he doesn't lie about the weather.

The thing about democracy, beloveds, is that it is not neat, orderly, or quiet. It requires a certain relish for confusion.

Satire is traditionally the weapon of the powerless against the powerful.

Behind a smoke screen of high-profile female appointees and soothing slogans, George W. Bush is waging war on women.

I believe that ignorance is the root of all evil. And that no one knows the truth.

Many a time freedom has been rolled back - and always for the same sorry reason: fear.

Good thing we've still got politics in Texas - finest form of free entertainment ever invented.

You look at the large problems that we face - that would be overpopulation, water shortages, global warming and AIDS, I suppose - all of that needs international cooperation to be solved.

The thing is this: You got to have fun while you're fightin' for freedom, 'cause you don't always win.

I think provincialism is an endemic characteristic with mankind, I think everybody everywhere is provincial, but it is particularly striking with Texans, and we tend to be very Texcentric.

It is possible to read the history of this country as one long struggle to extend the liberties established in our Constitution to everyone in America.

Havin' fun while freedom fightin' must be one of those lunatic Texas traits we get from the water - which is known to have lithium in it - because it goes all the way back to Sam Houston, surely the most lovable, the most human, and the funniest of all the great men this country has ever produced.

Next time I tell you someone from Texas should not be president of the United States, please pay attention.

So keep fightin' for freedom and justice, beloveds, but don't you forget to have fun doin' it. Lord, let your laughter ring forth. Be outrageous, ridicule the fraidy-cats, rejoice in all the oddities that freedom can produce.

I believe in practicing prudence at least once every two or three years.

I dearly love the state of Texas, but I consider that a harmless perversion on my part, and discuss it only with consenting adults.

Politicians are wither very good at running for office or they are good at running government. Seldom are the two found together.

The single biggest weakness that politicians have as a group is that they want people to like them.