David Letterman Quotes

It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.

I never saw anything funnier than Texas politics.

When I first became a civil servant, I had to fill out a form. The form did not ask whether or not I was a citizen of America but I had to certify that I was a Democrat.

I'm running for governor because I think we need to change things in Illinois.

State universities in Illinois are a microcosm of our state government - broken with work rules and administrative bureaucracy.

'Veep' is a great satire of democracy.

It actually turns out to be much harder to really understand government across state local and federal.

[John Kerry] actually stole my line because when I became Secretary of State, I said, 'I hope my heels will fill Warren Christopher's shoes.' So he reversed that.

Delivering the State of the Union? That bloke couldn't deliver pizza.

That Mitt Romney, he is a master campaigner. This week he was introducing his wife, and he said, 'She is the heavyweight champion of my life.” Which may explain why on the ride home, he was strapped to the roof of the car.

I'm not new to the political process; I was making a contribution as the speaker of the third largest and most diverse state in the country well before I even got into the Senate.

...the best definition that I heard of that is that a bureaucrat is a Democrat who has a job that a Republican wants.

Democrats, folks, only have five states where they have the governorship and the state legislature.

People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida.

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

The inked fingers and the position of them, which is gonna be a 'Daily Show' photo already, of them signaling in this [Nazi salute] manner, as if they have solidarity with the Iraqis who braved physical threats against their lives to vote as if somehow these inked-fingered Republicans have something to do with that.

Besides, when I read the list of people who are supporting Kerry, if I wasn't already a Bush supporter, I would have immediately switched. Linda Ronstadt? Don Henley? Geez, that's a good reason right there to vote for Bush.

Personally, I hope he doesn't get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don't want to spend the next year trying to do jokes about Mitt Romney.

Today, Mitt Romney visited a firehouse here in New York City. Of course, he was disappointed when he learned that a firehouse isn't a house where you get to fire people.

I hope you're all Republicans.

There's a guy on YouTube ... who just re-voices Donald Trump. He does a thing called Sassy Trump which is just to take Donald Trump's words and revoice them. Doesn't change them ...and strangely enough it just makes you listen to what Trump is saying. I think the biggest answer to comedy against Trump is Trump's own words.

I love a novel that’s funny, and The Taxman Cometh is very funny, delightfully well-written, yet with a serious message about how government bureaucracy affects us all. Read. Enjoy. And if a comparison to Catch 22 pops into your mind, that’s not surprising.

Better lose me than lose a state.

We had a great lunch. Senator Capper paid for it. The Republican pays, as usual. And everything that the Democrats are doin' now, the Republicans pay for it. Everybody asks me, "Will, how long is this going to go on, spending all this money and everything going like this?" I says, "Well, it will go on just as long as the Republicans has got any money. That's all I know about it."

He spent more time on the road to Damascus than a Syrian camel driver. And we thought nobody could fill John Kerry's flip-flops! ... [Romney's record was] anything but conservative until he changed all the light bulbs in his chandelier in time to run for President.