Johnny Miller Quotes

It is to be observed that 'angling' is the name given to fishing by people who can't fish.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I suck at golf and a variety of other things I go out and do with my friends.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I'd like to say I was smart enough to finish six grades in five years, but I think perhaps the teacher was just glad to get rid of me.

If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.

Instant gratification takes too long.

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?

It wasn't my finest hour. It wasn't even my finest hour and a half.

There's nothing worse than trying to be funny and not being funny.

I literally cringe every time I see someone trying to trash talk. Some people just don't have it and they try, and I find that funny.

Tax Day is right up there with 'Root Canal Day' in terms of days that no one wants to celebrate.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

You say you're sick and tired of hearing about me? I've got news for you: I'M sick and tired of hearing about me.

My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.

I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.

I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me, "How would you like your eggs?" I thought I would answer her anyway and said, "Incubated! And then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! I don't have that much time! Scrambled!"

I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly

I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hastling people with real careers.

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.

I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.

Don't clap I'm not a jazz band for Christ's sake.