EMO PHILIPS

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.