Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That's actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I'm just joking.

Never floss with a stranger.

Because I've got veneers, I am always checking to make sure I haven't got food in my teeth.

A dentist at work in his vocation always looks down in the mouth.

This was a place where tattoos outnumbered teeth.

As a rule of thumb, I would submit that if you need to call your floss provider, for any reason, you are probably not ready for this level of oral hygiene.

I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.

I've had dentists who have wanted to help me out, but I say, 'You know, I won't work again if you fix my teeth.'

Bad dental hygiene can lead to respiratory infections and an increased risk for heart disease and strokes.

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!

Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.

I masturbate. A lot. And yet, I don't floss because it's too much of a hassle. Ten seconds of joy over a lifetime of tooth decay, that's what I've chosen.

It's tough getting older. You start falling apart, you know? My gums are starting to recede now. You can't tell tonight, though, 'cause I comb them forward.

When you have a cavity in your tooth and you let it get worse, eventually you have to get a root canal. If you have something that isn't right, the earlier you treat it the easier the treatment is going to be. That's kind of common sense.

I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."

I have this Waterpik that shoots water between your teeth. It's great. You do that along with flossing, and you know for a fact you've cleaned your mouth as much as humanly possible. It's like going to the dentist every night in your bathroom. I don't know if it's a floss replacement, but in conjunction with flossing, it's great.

My grandmother is 82, and some days she doesn't even put her teeth in.

I sometimes mistake my typewriter for my teeth, because the more I bite the more my column will be read.

I don't mess around when it comes to brushing my teeth. Properly brushed, twice a day, every day, to get my day started.

Every tooth in a man's head is more valuable than a diamond.

I can smell when someone has a cavity. It's a very specific smell - not a bad-breath smell - but something that is really strong.

When you brush your teeth, I'll squeeze the toothpaste.

Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp metal object. Then you sit in their chair and the first thing they grab is an iron hook.

And so the dentist says 'Rinse.' So you lean over, and you're lookin' at this miniature toilet bowl.