Ken Dodd Quotes

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

My favourite hotel is the Hilton Hawaiian Village beach resort in Honolulu.

If you have a mother-in-law with only one eye and she has it in the center of her forehead, don't keep her in the living room.

My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.

What can you say about a man, who on Mother's Day sends flowers to his mother-in-law, with a note thanking her for making him the happiest man on Earth?

Pakistan is the sort of place every man should send his mother-in-law, for a month, with all expenses paid.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

Sean is so funny. One time he went to Ireland for two weeks with his mother, and Ireland is so beautiful, and he got back; we were like, 'How was it?' and he was like, 'Ugh I was so bored.'

I've never been to Hawaii. It looks amazing.

Your wife is always right, fam.

I get a lot of my sense of comedy from my mother. She's very funny, but she doesn't know she's funny.

My mum is very funny when she wants to be.

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

That you, sister. May you be the mother of a bishop.

I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.

Walt is dead. And, after a couple of hours at Epcot, you'll wish you were, too.

I rang my mother to thank her for giving birth to me and she said, "What choice had I? You were in there, how else were you going to get out?

Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one.