TOMMY COOPER

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'

They always say start at the bottom if you want to learn something. But suppose you want to learn to swim?

I haven't got an ad lib for people throwing bread rolls at my hat.

The town was so dull: one day the tide went out, and it never came back.

I'm recovering from a cold. I'm so full of penicillin that, if I sneeze, I'll cure someone.

I always sit in the back of a plane. It's much safer. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain!

It doesn't matter how many times the audience has heard it before. If it's funny, it's funny.

I've got a wife who never misses me. Her aim is perfect!

Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.

I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make them lean. He said, 'Which way?'

Electricity is a wonderful thing. Do you realise that if we didn't have electricity, we'd be watching television by candle light?

I'm on a whisky diet... last week, I lost three days!

Last night I slept like a log. I woke up in the fire place.

My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails, but I cured her. I hid her teeth.