Steven Wright Quotes

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

Write me up for 125, poster my face wanted dead or alive. Take my license all that jive, I can't drive 55.

Do you know how fast you were going?" Fang looked at the speedometer..."No," he said truthfully. I tagged you at seventy miles per hour,"she said, pulling out a clipboard. I let out an impressed whistle. "Excellent! I never thought we'd be that fast." Fang shot me a look and I put my hand over my mouth.

Anybody who speeds thinks they can outsmart the cops.

Got to be worth a try, I suppose," said Crowley. "It's not as if I haven't got lots of other work to do, God knows." His forehead creased for a moment, and then he slapped the steering wheel triumphantly. "Ducks!" he shouted. "What?" "That's what water slides off!" Aziraphale took a deep breath. "Just drive the car, please," he said wearily.

The last time I was pulled over was in 2005. I was going 55 in a 35 mile per hour zone - which I don't understand because you can barely even idle at 35 miles per hour. Anyway, I was ordered to go to traffic school. It was an 8-hour class and really painful.

I don't know how to drive a car.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

Bill Janklow speeds when he drives. Shouldn’t, but he does.

Car chases usually don't involve major criminals - they're usually guys afraid of getting another traffic ticket.

I'm not saying I do evil things. I'm just saying if a cop stops me when I'm speeding, sometimes - not all the time - I might get out of that ticket. Let's just say I don't have any points on my licence in Ireland, and I drive relatively quickly.

I was going to go to a midnight screening of 'Pee-wee's Big Adventure' in college, and it's the sort of thing where people dress up. So I got dressed up, and then I got lost. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over while I was wearing a Pee-wee suit. That's a hard ticket to get out of.

When I was in the U.S., I was caught by the cops for speeding and charged a fine of 200 dollars. I didn't have so much money then - I was still a student - but I certainly didn't want to spend a night behind bars. I called a few of my friends frantically and they bailed me out of the situation.

Mark: When did you learn to drive? Courtney: About three seconds ago.

Few people understand the psychology of dealing with a highway traffic cop.

You know what I mean. And by the way, you should slow down.” I sighed. “You’re kidding me. This is coasting. This is little old lady speed.” “NASCAR drivers would have heart attacks. Slow down before we get a ticket.” “Chicken.

You can't possibly hear the last movement of Beethoven's Seventh and go slow. (Oscar trying to talk his way out of a speeding ticket)

The SUV was the only car moving. Josh had his foot pressed flat to the floor, and the needle on the speedometer hovered close to eighty. He was becoming more comfortable with the controls—he hadn't hit anything for at least a minute.

There are no liberals behind steering wheels.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

Roarke "I'll drop you." Eve "No, better I catch a cab or take the underground. This guy sees me show up in a hot car with a fancy piece behind the wheel, he's not going to like me." Roarke "You know how I love being referred. to as your fancy piece." Eve "Sometimes you're my love muffin.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"

Mickey [Rourke] one time just basically drove off in the picture car that we were driving in. For my amusement. It was either to kidnap me or for my amusement.