Dave Barry Quotes

You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart.

The Internal Revenue Service is the real undefeated heavyweight champion.

I don't know what to do or where to turn in this taxation matter. Somewhere there must be a book that tells all about it, where I could go to straighten it out in my mind. But I don't know where the book is, and maybe I couldn't read it if I found it.

[Addressing a young aide:] You have a college education, haven't you? I don't know what to do or where to turn in this taxation matter. Somewhere there must be a book that tells all about it, but I don't know where that book is, and maybe I couldn't read it if I found it!

As artists, we are blessed to be able to make money but, on the same note, are held accountable for our federal tax obligations just like everyone else.

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.

I think the terror most people are concerned with is the IRS.

Why can't Americans do their own taxes? Because the federal Tax Code is out of control, that's why. It's gigantic and insanely complex, and it gets worse all the time. Nobody has ever read the whole thing. IRS workers are afraid to go into the same ROOM with it.

If you make one word out of 'The IRS' it spells 'theirs.'

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.

When I hear the president of the United States in a great little rhetorical flourish talk about the leavening hand of the government, everybody knows that leavening hand is attached to the long arm of the Internal Revenue Service. And no one mistakes the Internal Revenue Service with something called liberty.

Even with multiple instruction books, maneuvering the maze of the tax code is costly and time-consuming.

The hardest thing to understand in the world is the income tax.

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

A common man, even like myself, I don't know how to pay my taxes.

What am I afraid of? The IRS. That's it. I don't want those people knockin' on my door, man.

Simplicity just isn't a word synonymous with taxes.

From the IRS standpoint, 15,000 new employees have to be added just to, you know, administer ObamaCare and look at the tax implications.

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

He knows the tax code as thoroughly as the pope knows the Lord's Prayer.

We now have so many regulations that everyone is guilty of some [tax] violation

The tax code was so complicated that it took so long to master it that one lost the will to reform it.

There is one difference between a tax collector and a taxidermist—the taxidermist leaves the hide.

Bob Dole is the tax collector for the welfare state.

Every good citizen … should be willing to devote a brief time … to the making of a listing of his income for taxes … to contribute to his government … a small percentage of his net profits.