Mortimer Caplin Quotes

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

I got IRS records to finance what I wanted to do.

The hardest thing to understand in the world is the income tax.

You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart.

A common man, even like myself, I don't know how to pay my taxes.

April is tax month. If you are having trouble filing your taxes, then you should hire an accountant. They'll give you the same advice that they've given hundreds of corporations - taxes are for douche bags.

Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today.

Every good citizen … should be willing to devote a brief time … to the making of a listing of his income for taxes … to contribute to his government … a small percentage of his net profits.

Everybody should pay taxes.

Tax Day is often a source of frustration for taxpayers, so anything that can make the process less painful is appreciated.

A tax is something people pay out of income.

If I have to do my tax online, the government should pay for my Internet hook-up, darling.

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.

In general, anyone who paid the long distance telephone tax will get the refund on their 2006 federal income tax return. This includes individuals, businesses and non-profit organizations.

If I make a dollar and out of every dollar I'm taxed at 50, half, at 50 cents, I have to give, isn't that like enough?

The Internal Revenue Service is the real undefeated heavyweight champion.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

Corporations must pay tax.

I paid $1.9 billion in taxes in my lifetime.

There's just one thing I can't figure out. My income tax!

It was as true ... as taxes is. And nothing's truer than them.

Why, sir, there is every probability that you will soon be able to tax it.

Taxation under every form presents but a choice of evils.

The United States has a system of taxation by confession