Mitch Hedberg Quotes

The laundry has its hands on my dirty shirts, sheets, towels and tablecloths, and who knows what tales they tell.

Long live your laundry!

(When asked who wore the pants in his house:) I do, and I also wash and iron them.

I'm a little bit phobic about stains on my clothes, so I never travel without a little packet of organic stain remover.

If I don't do laundry today, I'm gonna have to buy new clothes tomorrow.

Have you ever taken something out of the clothes hamper because it had become, relatively, the cleanest thing?

I'm a very good laundress when I have to be.

My T-shirts wrinkle because I sweat a lot.

My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

I see TV ads about detergents that can get blood stains out of your cloths. I say if you have blood stains on your cloths you should be thinking about something other than laundry.

All will come out in the washing.

We don't get ourselves dry cleaned.

My sheets had never been so clean as they had in the past few months. I hardly got them on again before something else happened and I was feverishly ripping them off and stuffing them in the wash with double amounts of soap and all the "extra" buttons pushed: extra wash, extra rinse, extra water, extra spin, extra protection against things that go bump in the night.

When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

The things that I have apparently parodied I actually admire.

Meditate?” I took my head out from under the pillow, shook dark hair back from my face, and rolled over on my side to look at him. “Excuse me, but the closest I ever got to having a spiritual awakening was dating a yoga instructor. Once.

LAP, n. One of the most important organs of the female system - an admirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy, but chiefly useful in rural festivities to support plates of cold chicken and heads of adult males.

Allow me to offer my congratulations on the truly admirable skill you have shown in keeping clear of the mark. Not to have hit once in so many trials, argues the most splendid talents for missing.

A peacock escaped from the Central Park Zoo and wandered around the city. Either that or I just saw a pigeon on his way to a gay pride parade.

You are wonderful, Father.""I'm more than wonderful, how dare you insult me.

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

That dark humor has always been a part of what I've done. It's always been somewhat tongue-in-cheek.

My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.

Ah, the outdoors,' Shallan said. 'I visited that mythical place once.