Groucho Marx Quotes

Who of us is mature enough for offspring before the offspring themselves arrive? The value of marriage is not that adults produce children but that children produce adults.

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.

My husband taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.

At least it's better to be married than to be dead.

Love requires a willingness to die; marriage, a willingness to live.

Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

Why is it that at a bachelor's establishment the servants invariably drink the champagne.

The husband provides direction; the wife, maintenance.

Marriage is the gold standard of all relationships. It's the currency by which everything is valued.

He took the bride about the neck and kissed her lips with such a clamorous smack that at the parting all the church did echo.

I have three women in the house. I get to be wrong three times a day.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

According to a brand new report, alcohol abuse in Ireland is on the rise. Mainly because the guy who didn't drink now does.

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

Nothing lovelier can be found In woman, than to study household good, And good works in her husband to promote.

I don't quite recollect how many tumblers of whiskey toddy each man drank after supper; but this I know, that about one o'clock in the morning, the baillie's grown-up son became insensible while attempting the first verse of 'Willie brewed a peck o' maut'; and he having been, for half an hour before, the only other man visible above the mahogany, it occurred to my uncle that it was almost time to think about going.

Dammit Sir, it's your duty to get married. You can't always be living for pleasure!

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."

Quebec from the boat looked like the ramparts where Hamlet's ghost might have walked.

"Next," said Mrs Wilfer with a wave of her gloves, expressive of abdication under protest from the culinary throne, "I would recommend examination of the bacon in the saucepan on the fire, and also of the potatoes by the application of a fork. Preparation of the greens will further become necessary if you persist in this unseemly demeanour."

I am not convinced that men and women were ever meant to share the same house, though some people can do it beautifully.

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house.

Plain women are always jealous of their husbands. Beautiful women never are. They are always so occupied with being jealous of other women's husbands.