Mitch Hedberg Quotes

When I was working at Trio, I was pitched 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy' and I knew, whoever gets this, this is a game changer. When I started at Bravo in 2005, it was a hit, and Season 1 of 'Project Runway' was in postproduction.

I would like to see more of the making of just regular television shows. Like the casting process. I think it's so fascinating to watch the actors come in and see how they discuss everybody afterwards. It's a crazy world that has no rhyme or reason.

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

I'm a big fan of reality shows. I thought the first one, Dukes of Hazzard, captured white people perfectly.

I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!

I love reality shows. The folks who dream up some of these concepts are either geniuses, or totally stoned.

Getting worried there might not be enough talent in America to acommodate all these singing shows.

[Donald Trump] not going to be sitting in studio acting as the executive producer of The Apprentice. I think that's Mark Burnett and that's the way it's going to be.

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."

The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.

I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.

The only responsibility I feel is to deliver something that's new or at least to attempt that. The real responsibility is to entertain and to try and make people laugh.

The sixties were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun.

Remember, in China when you are one in a million, there are 1,300 other people just like you.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mm mm, nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe i lived in it. They'd be like 'He's still here!

You get all excited to give her the ring, and it's real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries. And a second later, you're like, 'Damn, I could have had a car.'

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to dial 9 I say Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick.

The only dynasty I like is the Duck Dynasty.

I love doing [stand-up]. I love making people laugh no matter how. Whether it's a commercial, or a TV show, or a reality show, or a talk show, or a special, or a book. However I can make people laugh, that's what I want to do.

Those numbers with Tony are so often and so interesting.