Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

When you live in a city, as I do, where violence is really in the streets, and people die every day, there's nothing funny about it.

I remember Detroit feeling really unsafe, feeling scared a lot. Our house was broken into, our car was stolen, we had to get a watchdog, we would get beat up in the street, I had my bike stolen. There was just a lot of real anarchy on the streets and sidewalks.

We moved to Baltimore, Maryland, in 1979, when I was five. The funny thing is that, even though Baltimore had one of the top murder rates in the country in those days, I grew up hearing about how dangerous New York was.

New York was scarier than Baltimore ever was. It was terrible in the '70s. I'm glad they cleaned it up. I got mugged; I had to go to the hospital. Every time you went out, you got robbed. It was horrible. You can't imagine.

Living in Rio is dangerous sometimes.

When I was 14, I saw someone getting their face and wrists slashed with a knife in a pub in Catford. Nobody lifted a finger. That's when I realised that violence wasn't funny. At all.

It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.

'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.

Angie, I've seen my mom wrestle two cops to the ground with a taser dart in her neck, and you cry when your shoes pinch. Good luck, Bambi!

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.

I'm high off the indo creepin' with the quickness to the cut, bust one to his head while he munches on that donut.

This is the most exciting place in the world to live. Oh yeah! There are so many ways to die in New York City! Race riots, drive by shootings, subway crashes, construction cranes collapsing on the sidewalks, manhole covers blowing up and asbestos shooting into the sky.

I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.

Juarez is reported to be the most dangerous city in America.

I'd like to punch out a really old lady. There'd be no repercussions.

I love Chicago. I know Chicago. And Chicago is a great city. It can be a great city. It can't be a great city if people are shot walking down the street for a loaf of bread.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

I'd seen too many shrines in South Central and thought it was worth asking where the first bullet came from that started all this violence.