Groucho Marx Quotes

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

You get all excited to give her the ring, and it's real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries. And a second later, you're like, 'Damn, I could have had a car.'

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"

Oh, to be seventy again!

I'm William, but you can call me Sexy. Everyone does.

A sense of humor is an important thing to have because when you get into an argument, one of the best ways to diffuse it is to be funny.

I am cursed with a right leg that arouses the desire of any male dog that happens to be passing. I used to think that this only happened to me but I've discovered that many people have the same problem. They have a femme fatale limb.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

If there's anyone still present whom I've failed to insult . . . I apologize.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. They come up to you and say "You gotta dance! you gotta dance!" And then I dance, and they're like, "Not like that!"

I feel bad for people who have never been addicted to anything, because they're the real losers. You want to know why? Because they don't know what it's like to really want something - and then get it again and again and again.

Whenever I travel I like to keep the seat next to me empty. I found a great way to do it. When someone walks down the aisle and says to you, "Is someone sitting there?" just say, "No one except the Lord."

I want everyone to meet you. You're my favorite person of all time.

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

What gets me is, I waited in line for an hour to do this. I could have experienced essentially the same level of enjoyment merely by sticking my finger down my throat.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.