JASPER CARROTT

Having signed a few autographs in my time, I always wonder what the heck people do with them.

I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

There's a rumour going 'round that if you amass a certain number of penalty points on your driving licence, the authorities will make you take your test again! Now, if ever there was an incentive to drive carefully, they could not have threatened a more terrifying ordeal.

I have to confess here that I am a useless cook.

My driving habits are so ingrained that the driving examiner would fail me in the first mile. That's provided he hadn't died of a heart attack by then.

I want to do things I enjoy, and show business comes fifth or sixth down the line.

When I hit the scene, there was Billy Connolly and Max Boyce. It was all mother-in-law and Irish jokes, and we broke the mould. Now there are thousands of comedians out there, and I don't think I can be above it all.

Happiness to me is simply not being unhappy.

I have that working class fear of having nothing. I've always got one eye on what's in the bank.

The impact of T.V. on our lives in general gets most things out of proportion.

I have a very happy marriage and friends who keep my feet on the ground. But looking for satisfaction in life is difficult. Maybe being happy is as simple as not being unhappy.

I just felt that 'Golden Balls' was the right thing to do. I didn't care if people thought I was a failure.

The whole debate on what food is best for us is complex, ongoing and often controlled by vested interests.

I should be more vocal about the things I believe are doing us harm, but many years ago in my early twenties, I learned a bit of a lesson. I started to realise at that time the benefits of eating healthy food and drink.

There is no way in my right mind I would contemplate running 26 miles-plus unless it involved a chase with Pamela Anderson.

I used to be a columnist for 'Golf Monthly' and have contributed articles for national newspapers based on the humour that is in abundance in the game, which is more than can be said of tennis.

Laughter is the best medicine - unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.

I've always been sensible with my money. I can't say I'm a business genius.

I've played with some very famous bandits in my time on the celebrity golf circuit.

I was never the class clown, and I've no idea where the comedy came from.

I have been known to play a few rounds in my time. I'm not obsessive; I don't play in the dark, but even that's not out of the question because Stevie Wonder is also a golfer.

If you were asked to go on 'Mastermind,' what would your specialist subject be? I wouldn't have a clue what I could answer questions on. Birmingham City Football Club would be a start, I suppose, but with a hundred odd years of history, thousands of matches, players and incidents to recall, even access to Google would leave me struggling.

My real name is Bob Davis, but for some reason, I got the name Jasper while playing football at the local rec when I was nine years old, and it just stuck. Years later, when someone asked 'Jasper who?' I just said 'Carrott' - but I have no idea why I came out with that particular word.

Yes, you could call me a tree hugger, an environmentalist, an eco-warrior even - except I don't spend my life in a kaftan, smoking joss sticks and walking a skinny dog on a piece of string.

When the amalgam is delivered to your dentist in a special protective box, he has to take extreme caution when handling the stuff: with masks, gloves, gowns, goggles, all needed to protect him from danger. He then drills your teeth and rams the mixture into your cavities, whereupon it becomes miraculously, instantly safe!