Talking about golf is always boring. Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little ball; only the part where you drive the cart.
The only thing you should force in a golf swing is the club back in the bag.
Jimmy Stewart could have been a good golfer, but he speaks so slowly that by the time he yells 'Fore!' the guy he's hit is already in an ambulance on the way to the hospital.
Obviously a deer on the fairway has seen you tee off before and knows that the safest place to be when you play is right down the middle.
Be funny on a golf course? Do I kid my best friend's mother about her heart condition?
My old friend Jack Benny has only had one ball all his golfing life. And now he's lost it. The string came off!
Golf is my real profession. Entertainment is just a sideline. I tell jokes to pay my greens fees.
Fairway: a narrow strip of mown grass that separates two groups of golfers looking for lost balls in the rough.
Golf is 20 percent mechanics and technique. The other 80 pecent is philosophy, humor, tragedy, romance, melodrama, companionship, camaraderie, cussedness and conversation.
Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass.
George W. Bush loves golf because it's like the election--low score wins.
I tell jokes to pay my green fees.
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying.
My golf must be improving, I'm not hitting as many spectators.
Always throw your clubs ahead of you. That way you don't have to waste energy going back to pick them up.
I once showed Pat Bradley my swing and said, 'What do I do next?' Pat replied, 'Wait till the pain dies down.'
Putting isn't golf, greens should be treated almost the same as water hazards: you land on them, then add two strokes to your score.
How did I make a twelve on a par five hole? It's simple - I missed a four foot putt for an eleven.
On one hole, I hit an alligator so hard, he's now my golf bag.
My back swing off the first tee had put him in mond of an eldery woman of dubious morals trying to struggle out of a dress too tight around the shoulders.
In case of a thunderstorm, stand in the middle of the fairway and hold up a one iron. Not even God can hit a one iron.
I had a wonderful experience on the golf course today. I had a hole in nothing. Missed the ball and sank the divot.
The best cure for a double-bogey is a toffee, or sugar - any type of sugar; I love my chocolate.
I've been playing golf a long time, although it's not really true that on my first round they strapped my bag on the back of a dinosaur.
