JACKIE GLEASON

If you have it and you know you have it, then you have it. If you have it and don't know you have it, you don't have it. If you don't have it but you think you have it, then you have it.

Thin people are beautiful, but fat people are adorable.

I only made $200 a week and I had to buy my own bullets.

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.

How sweet it is!

Our dreams are firsthand creations, rather than residues of waking life. We have the capacity for infinite creativity; at least while dreaming, we partake of the power of the Spirit, the infinite Godhead that creates the cosmos.

Does God have a sense of humor? He must have if He created us.

I have a 'Play The Melody' philosophy. It means don't over arrange, don't make life difficult. Just play the melody-and do it the simplest way possible.

Drinking removes warts and pimples. Not from me. But from those I look at.

I drink for the honorable purpose of getting bagged.

It is difficult for people to appreciate their own laughter unless you show them some pathos along the way.

I have no use for humility. I am a fellow with an exceptional talent.

One of these days... One of these days... Pow! Right in the kisser!

Modesty in an actor is as fake as passion in a call girl.

A man must defend his home, his wife, his children, and his martini.

Golf and women are a lot alike. You know you are not going to wind up with anything but grief, but you can't resist the impulse.

Obviously a deer on the fairway has seen you tee off before and knows that the safest place to be when you play is right down the middle.

The Miami Beach audience is the greatest audience in the world!

A lot of people say, 'Well, I like a challenge. 'I don't like challenges. Life is tough enough without any challenges.

Most wives think of their husbands as bumbling braggarts with whom they happen to be in love.

The worst thing you can do with money is save it.

I knew that nobody could be on television week after week as themselves and exist for any length of time, because no one has that rich a personality.... So I knew that I had to create some characters.

I'm no alcoholic. I'm a drunkard. There's a difference. A drunkard doesn't like to go to meetings.

Modesty is the artifice of actors, similar to passion in call girls.