I actually met Carrie Fisher a couple of years ago. When I told her that she was my first crush, she insisted that we get married and have a reality show about it. I'm lucky to have made it out of that weekend without getting married.
I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.
On every birthday, I ask my wife, 'What would you like this year?' and her instant reply is, 'Diamonds! Diamonds! Diamonds!' I'm always living in hope that one day she'll say she just wants me!
My husband and I click wedding rings sometimes and say, 'By the power of the Castle of Greyskull!'
The reason they're called the opposite sex is because every time you think you have your wife fooled - it's just the opposite!
Hillary Clinton is getting a little bit of controversy because she has the most expensive hometown office rent - over $500,000 a year. She's in a one-year lease in the office, as opposed to her marriage, which is on a month-to-month.
I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we didn't make 30% more, you guys would marry each other.
You're the reason our kids are ugly.
I don't see how being married could be any worse than listening to you talk for twenty years, but that still ain't much of a recommendation for it.
Oh I don't mind going to weddings, just as long as it's not my own.
In pop culture news, Lady Gaga got married. And yes, she was wearing white meat.
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .
Youre gonna grow up and marry some ice cream! Haha!
I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.
I always remembered that when I saw people get married they got on a rocketship and went to Planet Happiness, Population: Them.
Sadly, marriage has become a punchline in today's society. From referring to the wife as 'the old ball and chain' to nearly every poorly written sitcom that we watch, the message we're sending to today's generation is clear... Marriage = no fun.
Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach?
I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.
Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
All marriages are same sex marriages. You get married and every night, it's the same sex.
I'm 5 feet 3, but I was 6 feet 4 when I married Ava.
