Humorous Quote Quotes

Boxing was the only career where I wouldn't have to start out at the bottom. I had a good resume.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'

I may be a Jewish scientist, but I would be tickled silly if one day I were reincarnated as a Baptist preacher.

Business isn't that complicated. I wouldn't want to put it on my business card.

Secretary Powell and I agree on every single issue that has ever been before this administration except for those instances where Colin's still learning.

McMahon 3:16 says 'I just pissed my pants!'

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

Dean Martin's great-great-uncle, Ebenezer Martin, who said to Eli Whitney, I see the cotton, but where's the gin? Never got a dinner!

I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. "Snap, Krackle, Mitch and Pop"!

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

Because of the level of my chess game, I was able - even against a weak opponent, such as my younger brothers or the dog - to get myself checkmated in under three minutes. I challenge any computer to do it faster.

The ideal Christmas gift is money, but the trouble is you can't charge it.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

George: 'Ringo would always say grammmatically incorrect phrases and we'd all laugh. I remember when we were driving back to Liverpool from Luton up the M1 motorway in Ringo's Zephyr, and the car's bonnet hadn't been latched properly. The wind got under it and blew it up in front of the windscreen. We were all shouting, 'Aaaargh!' and Ringo calmly said, 'Don't worry, I'll soon have you back in your safely-beds.

To enter Europe, you must have a valid passport with a photograph of yourself in which you look like you are being booked on charges of soliciting sheep.

Debbie had to get up and slice me a thick piece of cake before she could answer. And I do mean thick. Harry Potter volume seven thick. I could have knocked out a burglar with this piece of cake. Once I tasted it, though, it seemed just the right size.

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

I've got allergy pills upstairs in my room, and it says 'For Cat Work' right on it.

I'm not embarrassed to be seen with younger women, except when I drop them off at school.

What is a epigram? A dwarfish whole. Its body brevity, and wit its soul.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

It is possibly worth mentioning at this point that Mr. Young thought that paparazzi was a kind of Italian linoleum.