H. L. Mencken Quotes

Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes.

The Chameleon's face reminded Aristotle of a Baboon. Aristotle wasn't much of a looker himself.

He has a head, two arms, two legs, just as I.

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.

I like women who look like me. Generally, you're attracted to women who look like you, because the most beautiful thing in nature is your own reflection.

To be reminded that one is very much like other members of the animal kingdom is often funny...though...I do not too much mind being somewhat like a cat.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.

I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.

Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, ‘Oh, they’re nice,’ but if a stranger’s ugly, you’re like, ‘What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

You walk into the locker room, and you see players with their ripping muscles and stomachs you could wash your clothes in.

While we were working, we were writing about a tall girl and a short girl, which we thought was funny, because Alison's [McGhee] tall and I'm short.

Gonzo leaps like a giraffe and grabs it.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

Nature, it appears, has been rather more bountiful to Paul's body and purse than to his intellect; above the ears, speaking bluntly, the boy is strictly tapioca.

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".

All of us little bald white guys wearing glasses kind of look the same.

I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

That's why I'm glad Jesus died when he did. Because if he lived to be 40, he would have ended up like Elvis. He was famous already at that point. If he lived to be 40, he'd be walking around Jerusalem with a big fat beer gut and black side burns going, Damn, I'm the son of God. Give me a cheeseburger and french fries right now.

A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah.

Hrabosky looks fierce in that Fu Manchu haircut.

If you had five photos of anuses, I could not point mine out.