Frankie Boyle Quotes

Tequila? It's not even a drink. It's a way for having the cops around without using a phone.

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

That's the authentic punk dance. It's like a child dizzy on lemonade.

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.

There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.

Drugs kill, just like cancer. So don't smoke... tumors.

I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, "Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular."

Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.

I really don't like drunk women; I think it is such a bad look. I think it's very inappropriate and I don't like it. I don't really have drunk friends.

Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn't be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article "Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I'm So Drunk."

I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.

Cocaine is God's way of telling you you are making too much money.

College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic.

I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.