Mark Twain Quotes

I love to come home and work on one of my other jobs. Just to remember that the floors gotta be mopped, and that everything isn't centered around what you fought about in Washington last week.

You know, there's nothing more interesting than seeing a bunch of racists become confused and angry at a speech they're not quite certain what he's saying.

You're confronted with the quandary: do I grind things to a halt? Ideally you would, but I have better things to do than educate people.

The president of General Motors was in a foul humor.

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I think anger and laughter are very close to each other, when you think about it.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

As for relationships, I know nothing. I'm an idiot; I can't get it right.

Every now and then I get angry, but fortunately, when I do, it's like watching a little dog try to attack something - it's something I'm not very good at.

I find myself sick to death, tired of arguing about details with people who don't know basic facts.

I have a hard time arguing with stupid people.

People don't realise how difficult it is to work with people day in and day out that know absolutely nothing.

The common thread of my comedy shows is conflict and, I guess, the frustration of people who either argue with you or just say stuff which is blatantly incorrect, and nobody calls them out on it.

Don't get your panties in such a twist... and give me back mine.

If you don't have a sense of humor, you'll hurt yourself arguing with me.

Suckers try to win arguments, nonsuckers try to win.

That stupid Charlie Brown! He had the nerve to say I'm not perfect!" "So I suppose you hit him, huh?" "Rats! I knew I forgot something!

What was your secret?" That brought another smile. "Learn to laugh, otherwise, you'll beat them to death with a hammer first chance

There are a great many people who do not understand things so there is no use in telling them.

Whenever people are being intellectually dishonest in debate, it is an implicit concession they have lost the fight

If you can somehow force a liberal into a point-counterpoint argument, his retorts will bear no relation to what you’ve said - unless you were in fact talking about your looks, your age, your weight, your personal obsessions, or whether you are a fascist. In the famous liberal two-step, they leap from one idiotic point to the next, so you can never nail them. It’s like arguing with someone with Attention Deficit Disorder.

Oh, these people's minds work in strange ways, Petunia, they're not like you and me," said Uncle Vernon, trying to knock in a nail with the piece of fruitcake Aunt Petunia had just brought him.

I didn't like having reasonable arguments thrown at me.

Why would I kill someone I don't know, when I know so many people who irritate me, and havent't killed any of them?

You never win an argument until they attack your person.