Daniel Tosh Quotes

I always wondered if those WWJD bracelets worked, so I bought one the other day. Well, a few minutes later, I was on a plane and this little kid was kicking my seat repeatedly, while his sister sang along with her walkman and their mother just sat there. I almost turned around and went off, and then I caught sight of my bracelet. What would Jesus do? So I lit them on fire and sent them all to Hell.

I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.

What am I responsible for? Who am I responsible to? Everybody? How come when Archie Bunker nailed everybody, it was funny - but when I do it, it's not?

I don't know why we're not interested in seeing good people. I think we like seeing good people, but only if bad things happen to them. Which is weird, isn't it?

I'm really happy I went to a Catholic school because a lot of the repressive tactics they use make for great senses of humor.

I have a very dark sense of humor. I swear. I have a very playful relationship with Jesus.

Hypocrisy is great fodder for comedy.

If I had my choice I would kill every reporter in the world, but I am sure we would be getting reports from Hell before breakfast.

Hate your next-door neighbor, but don't forget to say grace.

I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.

The world looks at preachers out of church to know what they mean in it.

In the Bible it says they asked Jesus how many times you should forgive, and he said 70 times 7. Well, I want you all to know that I'm keeping a chart.

For me, comedy starts as a spew, a kind of explosion, and then you sculpt it from there, if at all. It comes out of a deeper, darker side. Maybe it comes from anger, because I'm outraged by cruel absurdities, the hypocrisy that exists everywhere, even within yourself, where it's hardest to see.

I just wished Katrina had only hit the United Nations building, nothing else, just had flooded them out, and I wouldn't have rescued them.

'The Twilight Zone' was sometimes shockingly cruel, far crueller than most TV drama today would dare to be.

[Evelyn Waugh] made drunkenness cute and chic, and then took to religion, simply to have the most expensive carpet of all to be sick on.

I have a most peaceable disposition. My desires are for a modest hut, a thatched roof, but a good bed, good food, very fresh milk and butter, flowers in front of my window and a few pretty trees by my door. And should the good Lord wish to make me really happy, he will allow me the pleasure of seeing about six or seven of my enemies hanged upon those trees.

One must have a heart of stone to read the death of little Nell without laughing.

Taking a call girl to an STD fair... there's a joke here.

...things I had come to find humor in would make your honest man swoon.

I never thought I'd have to give you-a former Sunday School teacher-a lecture on ethics." "Former Sunday School teachers don't go around without their underwear." "You show me where it says that in the Bible.

Feast, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished for abstemiousness.

You gave me your curse, holy Fathers. I give you a blessing: May you be as moral and religious as I am.

Counsel involving right and wrong should never be sought from a man who does not say his prayers.

In a difficult situation one never-failing guide is to ask yourself: "What would Christ have done?" Then do it-as nearly as you can.