If there's a heaven, I hope to hell I go!
If I had my choice I would kill every reporter in the world, but I am sure we would be getting reports from Hell before breakfast.
Comedians are the nearest to suicide.
All I want to know is where I’m going to die, so I’ll never go there
I will leap into my grave laughing because the feeling that I have five million human beings on my conscience is for me a source of extraordinary satisfaction.
I love pizza. I want to marry it, but it would just be to eat her family at the wedding.
If I had to baptise a Jew, I would take him to the bridge of the Elbe, hang a stone around his neck and push him over with the words 'I baptise thee in the name of Abraham'.
People think that I must be a very strange person. This is not correct. I have the heart of a small boy. It is in a glass jar on my desk.
Michael has never cried during a Broadway show. Except in that scene where Tarzan's ape father is brutally murdered. And that was only because he was laughing so hard.
God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
You know when I told you the joke about how a friend will help you move, but a real friend will help you move a body? I was only kidding.
I love scary movies and respect the filmmakers of scary movies, and it's just as hard to make a great scary movie as it is to make a great comedy or drama or anything else.
Take your foot out of the graveyard, they are busy being dead.
All people are sad clowns. That's the key to comedy - and it's a buffer against reality.
I don't think I'm morbid by nature. Serious writers have always written about serious subjects. Lighthearted material doesn't appeal to me, and I don't read it. I think I'm a realist, with a realistic sensibility of history and the tragedy of history.
What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.
I want your heart, I want to eat your children.
I would like to do my own eulogy, and then shoot myself and then get in the coffin.
Googling me, you talk about being depressed. First of all there's 18 websites that predict my early death.
Terry Gilliam has directed some of the best examples of what I like to see in a film - one of them being 'Baron Munchausen.'
Larry David's armor is his dissatisfaction with the world down to the smallest detail, and up to the whole ghastly arrangement. He won't win, but he'll enjoy losing.
Wendy? Darling? Light, of my life. I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just going to bash your brains in.
There's a fine line between comedy and the darkest place ever.
The film-maker Alejandro Jodorowsky - his films are hard to watch - they're so dense and rich - but they're probably the best things ever made. And Spike Milligan, who was light years ahead of the rest - I played some of his stuff to Jack Black once. He'd never heard of him, so watching him listen to Spike for the first time was just hilarious.
I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.
