Mitch Hedberg Quotes

He can be lethal death.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

You know, you can touch a stick of dynamite, but if you touch a venomous snake it'll turn around and bite you and kill you so fast it's not even funny.

A black snake can bite you just as bad as a white snake

This is the most exciting place in the world to live. Oh yeah! There are so many ways to die in New York City! Race riots, drive by shootings, subway crashes, construction cranes collapsing on the sidewalks, manhole covers blowing up and asbestos shooting into the sky.

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

I probably am a dead man already.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die.

You smile. No, it is not fatal.

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

Anyone ever lost in the wild knows that nature wants you dead.

I don't know whether I'll reach 40. I don't know whether I'll reach 35. I can't be sure about that. I am bloody serious. I am very, very serious. I didn't think I'd make 30.

I think war is a dangerous place.

Snake's poison is life to the snake; it is in relation to man that it means "death.

A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If you have intercourse you run the risk of dying and the ramifications of death are final.

The only thing you want is to come back alive.

Yes, because a vampire slumber party is the pinnacle of safety conscious behavior.

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.

I think what's dangerous [about comedy] is that you're coming into the room announcing your intentions.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

Why do all these people want [comedians] to be serious? The reason they want that is these are people who aren't funny. Anybody funny can be serious, but people who have no sense of humor, they can never be funny - and frankly, they're jealous. There's very few comic actors. Think about it. There aren't that many. It's hard because you have to be able to do both.

In my sport, the quick are too often listed among the dead