Mitch Hedberg Quotes

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

The idea that Bill Gates (one of the founders of Microsoft) has appeared like a knight in shining armour to lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he, by peddling second rate technology, led them into it in the first place...

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

Honestly, if you were any slower, you’d be going backward.

Ayame: This concludes my wonderful story. Kyo Sohma: You mean stupid!

Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

Will the highways on the Internet become more few?

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.

Jordan ran the London marathon to help raise money for the blind. After jogging that far with her body, I'm surprised she hasn't joined them!

Steven Spielberg is going to release a biopic about Abraham Lincoln next year. Right, that's a good way to honor Lincoln – by sending people to the theater.

If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.

The first time I was on TV, on "Flight of the Conchords," someone put up a YouTube clip and said, 'You're too ugly to be on TV.' And I was like, 'That is exactly why it's a good thing that I'm on TV.'

The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'

Good painter imitates nature, bad ones spews it up.

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.

I cannot recall a more engaging passage in fiction, and I've been trying for almost eighteen seconds.

Comedy is not supposed to be funny. Its supposed to tell the truth and then that's funny.

It's certainly easy to mock some things ... Oddly enough though I've never found it easy to mock anything of value. Only things that are tawdry and fatuous - perhaps it's just me.

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100 and get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year killing everyone inside.

Ronald Regan doesn't dye his hair - he's just prematurely orange.