For me there are two types of country: There's the shoot-yourself-in-the-head country, and then there's really good country music.
They say breast milk helps just about everything - I'm surprised you can't run a car on it.
Every country is like a particular type of person. America is like a belligerent, adolescent boy; Canada is like an intelligent, 35-year-old woman. Australia is like Jack Nicholson. It comes right up to you and laughs very hard in your face in a highly threatening and engaging manner.
But you have to understand, my beard is so nasty. I mean, it's the only beard in the history of Western civilization that makes Bob Dylan's beard look good.
Congrats to Prince William and Kate Middleton, who welcomed a baby girl on Saturday. The royal baby weighed eight pounds - or around 12 American dollars.
The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin.
I'm really good at mini-golf. You know, maybe not big person golf, but little person golf.
My IQ is somewhere between Spiro Agnew's and Albert Einstein's.
I look like Julian Clary on steroids.
Arnold Schwarzenegger looks like a brown condom full of walnuts.
I have more money than God, but not as much as Oprah.
You might be a redneck if a full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
It's 'Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, except there's just one degree, and Kevin Bacon is Hitler. Can I play? Let's see. Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler!
I do sometimes like a bit of cheese, like MC Hammer.
Moammar Gadhafi was found hiding in a storm sewer with a gold-plated gun. That's me in retirement, ladies and gentlemen.
Charlie had Sophie strapped to his chest like a terrorist baby bomb when he came down the back steps. She had just gotten to the point where she could hold up her head, so he had strapped her in face-out so she could look around. The way her arms and legs waved around as Charlie walked, she looked as if she was skydiving and using a skinny nerd as a parachute.
Jews were asked when life begins. For them it's when they finally graduate medical school.
I'm more American than apple pie. I'm like apple pie, with a hot dog in it.
His pear-shaped head, I could now see, was situated on top of a pear-shaped body, which his black gown caused to resemble a piece of fruit going to a funeral.
I parle Francais like a Spanish cow.
He sounds like Jesus. Except rich and sexy.” “Watch it, Meg. In this town joking about Jesus could get you shot. You’ve never seen so many of the faithful who’re armed.
He looked like those paintings of baby angels - what do you call them, hubbubs? No cherubs. That's it. He looked like a cherub who'd turned middle-aged in a trailer park.
I like my coffee hot and strong. Like I like my women: hot and strong...with a spoon in them.
Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings.
Tara Reid is charging $3,500 for a personal appearance fee. So, for only $3,500 you can either buy a 1998 Jetta with 130,000 miles on it... or Tara Reid, who only has 98,000 miles on her.
