Right now some future general is lying in his crib trying to get his big toe in his mouth. Such was probably the case of our guest of honor tonight.
Samuel Langhorne Clemens, 1835-1910
When I was coaching with the Patriots, the players pulled a practical joke and I said, 'Do you think I'm Charlie the Tuna, like a sucker?' After that, they called me Tuna.
This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
Charlie Sheen gave me a signed headshot. I think it said, 'Keep it real.' But 'real' was spelled 'reel,' like a film reel.
The first time I got recognized in the Sates, it was by Mike Tyson. He sang 'Cruel Summer' at us as we were walking out of the hotel to go to the beach.
When I first arrived in the country, I really didn't speak much of the language. I knew two words coming here, and they were 'Hello' and 'Shut up.'
Adam, who said to our Lord in the Garden of Eden, I got more ribs - you got more broads? Never got a dinner!
By the age of 13, I knew I wanted to be a comedian like Morecambe and Wise. So, obviously, I thought I'd better start practising my interviews for Parkinson. Don't look shocked - I wasn't the only teenager to imagine that. Though I may have been the only one to have chosen T'Pau as my walk-on music.
I was on an army show, and in the army - especially in Korean culture - there's a very, very strict hierarchy. Obviously, you would not talk informally or disrespectfully to your commanding officer. But me, in my limited Korean, I basically told my commanding officer, 'Thou shalt forget!' The Korean public thought it was really funny.
Orrin Hatch was the keynote speaker at the last meeting of the Association of American Editorial Cartoonists. He sought me out because he was a fan. I was thinking he had confused me with someone else.
When I planned my wedding the first time, my ex-husband and I, we were both struggling comics. I had a TV show that had gotten cancelled. Basically, I rented a wedding gown; the reception hall smelled like feet.
When I was seven and we lived in New York, I ran away. I took my dog and started out across the Brooklyn Bridge... I didn't get very far... It's rather difficult to run away in your mother's high heels.
They say cats have nine lives. I've had 12 already and I don't know how many more I'll have.
It's funny. I did give birth to an alien on 'The X-Files.' And it's just the teaser, so I'm dead before we even get into the episode.
My dad was obviously a really quirky, unconventional Asian man who didn't care about what other people thought. When he would fight with my mom, he would be really dramatic. He would be like, 'Devil, get away, for I am God's property.' He would say crazy things that were so melodramatic but so theatrical and funny.
And what exactly is a dream and what exactly is a joke?
My mother tells this joke about how when I was little I used to say, 'Mummy, all I want is a stable home!' and she'd reply, 'That's all right, darling, we'll buy you a stable.'
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.
When I was in Downing Street, David Cameron saw me and said, "Please, shout it all around and let it penetrate to my cabinet meeting." So I bellowed: "Gordon's alive!"
The Invisible Man, who said to his wife, I don't care if it looks silly, don't stop! Never got a dinner!
Somebody once asked me how I found Peter Jackson, and I said: 'Well, I parted his hair, and there he was.'
I've got a little baby, I made him...He doesn't speak, he's 2...He's a slow learner, he's only got 2 words...car and map...I'm slightly worried he's trying to escape. If his next word is passport we are in serious trouble!
A mate owned a Bryan Robson top. We were kicking about, and I asked if I could be Robbo for a while. My dad looked out and went ballistic. He wasn’t having his kid dragging the Gerrard name through the gutter. I thought we’d have to move!
Hell, the truth is that I was named after a dog!
Today coming to work, I saw one of those only in New York scenes. It was a rat who had passed out after choking on a pretzel.
