MICHAEL MCINTYRE

I think if anyone becomes so obnoxious to believe they could be a national treasure, they just need to go on Twitter and realise they're not. That's there to curtail anybody's confidence.

I got my big break at the Royal Variety Performance in 2006 and returned in 2008, but now to host it is such an honour and I'm unbelievably excited.

I've always felt so unconnected to other comedians.

I really, really love stand-up.

I suppose I'm always a little bit on edge.

I call people 'captain' a lot and it makes them feel special. Until they hear me using it for everyone, that is.

I don't understand people who write blogs and have children. You can't stop in the middle of bathtime and say: 'I'm just going to write a load of words - for free.' I won't do it - unless someone wants to commission me.

It's a weird one: nobody notices when a brilliant comedian is fat or has sweat marks under their arms. Peter Kay isn't in the best shape and neither is Ricky Gervais, and it doesn't matter. Still, I like to feel like I'm transforming into something quite cool when I go on stage.

I always knew I was quite good at getting laughs. At school, I loved having a ready audience if I made a cheeky remark.

I found the idea of trying to create a show that everyone can enjoy really appealing.

I don't watch any other comedy, I don't study stand-up as an art.

I just find little things in life funny, it's why I giggle during my shows.

I get looks like I can't raise my child, but I can.

I usually do quite well with presents, but the problem with Christmas is it's such a big build-up and such a big day that if someone tests you the year after, you've got no idea what you got.

My wife is very fit and looking younger every day, whereas I'm looking older day by day.

I don't just like to use punchlines anymore, especially in arenas. They freak me out. There is nothing worse than 15,000 people waiting for a punchline.

I'm thrilled at the continued success of the 'Big Show.'

I've always found the world funny and enjoy laughing at it, and that's what all comedians do.

If I'm honest, I think everything is funny. You've just got to find the right way in. When I'm at my happiest and when I'm really on it, when I feel like I'm really on good form at the moment, everything can be funny.

Our family home, a large house in Hampstead, was sold to Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne. I remember being told that 'someone who eats bats' was buying it.

I was trying to do one-liners and it took me years to realise I just had to be myself. My fear was if I was myself and no one found it funny, I'd have nowhere left to go.

Ruthlessness is not something that comes easily.

You have to be realistic. Not everyone is going to like you, so you have to focus on the ones who do.

I'm glad Carol Vorderman has left 'Countdown;' I mean, it's not like she did much. She was effectively just an autistic shelf-stacker.

I'm not going to crack America.