The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Nothing compares to being in a room full of politicians screaming abuse at each other all night. It's hilarious but also a bit terrifying.
She had a penetrating sort of laugh. Rather like a train going into a tunnel.
This is possibly the most shameful situation I've ever gotten myself in in my life, and I've done some pretty dumb things in my life. So to actually make a new No. 1 is spectacularly stupid.
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
Funny is funny. I dare anyone to look at Tim Conway and Harvey Korman doing the dentist sketch, which is more than 40 years old, and not scream with laughter.
When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. They're on TV!
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
Think of the funniest story from your life. Chances are, it was something awful at the time.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Amy Poehler, Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph - when they speak, everyone listens. Because they're freaking hilarious.
Psychiatry is a pseudoscience.... You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do...Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, you don't even -you're glib. You don't even know what Ritalin is.
Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you.
I needed to make my wig ogg because I no longer wanted to apologize for who I am
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
Confidence is 10 percent hard work and 90 percent delusion.
Girls, if a boy says something that isn't funny, you don't have to laugh.
Look how often the unexpected happens - yet we still never expect it.
English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.
The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off.
Crack is cheap. I make too much money to ever smoke crack. Let's get that straight. OK? We don't do crack. We don't do that. Crack is whack.
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
If you have something to say and say nothing, you are really telling a lie.
I like film books at the bottom of the barrel and art books at the top. 'The Ghastly One,' by Jimmy McDonough, is a hilarious biography of one of the most hideous directors who ever picked up a movie camera - Andy Milligan.
