The joke in our family is that we can cry reading the phone book.
There is a standard joke in the family. Probably we should go into selling second-hand shoes.
There is a standing joke in my family that I was born with a ladle in my hand.
You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!
My mother tells this joke about how when I was little I used to say, 'Mummy, all I want is a stable home!' and she'd reply, 'That's all right, darling, we'll buy you a stable.'
My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
We all have, in my family, what we call the 'Vorderman bottom' - a sticky out, bigger-than-normal, signature, of the rear variety. It's been a family joke all our lives - even my lovely brother has one. I know the lines to all the good singalong big bum songs.
it was all your genes that made us geniuses, mom. said peter. we sure didn't get any from dad. i heard that. father said, not looking up from the news that was being displayed on the table while he ate it would've been wasted if you hadn't
Dad had a sign of his own. MY BEAUTIFUL FAMILY, it read, and then underneath that (AND GUS).
Happy Father's Day -- or as they call it in my family, happy brother-in-law's day.
The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'
My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.
Three-quarters of my family is Irish. Of course, the 'Kazee' is not.
Fred, you next," the plump woman said. "I'm not Fred, I'm George," said the boy. "Honestly, woman, you call yourself our mother? Can't you tell I'm George?" "Sorry, George, dear." "Only joking, I am Fred," said the boy and off he went.
Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.
There's a joke in my family that I'm going to make a career out of playing other people's younger selves.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
My kids teased me at dinner that I'm not cool. I told them if I was cool I wouldn't be sitting at home with my kids. Pass the gravy.
I'm the only idiot the that decided to coach in my family.
My favorite lie was the online rumor that Bruce Willis was my uncle. That's hilarious.
My mom has this ugly Santa ornament, and one year, I took it off the tree and clipped it to her pillow. We've been trading it back and forth ever since - 16 years now. I wore it to the Golden Globes and even put it in her bird feeder. As the birds eat, it's slowly revealed.
You know my father's favorite game? Come here and pull my finger.
You made me lose my appetite, Boomer." "My mom tells me that all the time. Your family must be just like mine!
