Baseball Humor Quotes

I can play anywhere. First, third, left field, anywhere but Philadelphia.

All last year we tried to teach him (Fernando Valenzuela) English, and the only word he learned was million.

One time in spring training, we had the hit-and-run on, and Carl Erskine threw me a curve and I struck out into a double play. I came back to the bench and Casey [Stengel] said, 'next time, tra-la-la.' I didn't know what tra-la-la meant, but next time up, I hit a line drive, right into a double play. When I sat down, Casey came over and said, 'Like I told you, tra-la-la.'

Sure I played, did you think I was born at the age of 70 sitting in a dugout trying to manage guys like you?

I'll play first, third, left. I'll play anywhere - except Philadelphia.

Baseball is a game of race, creed, and color. The race is to first base. The creed is the rules of the game. The color? Well, the home team wears white uniforms, and the visiting team wears gray.

I used to get made fun of in the minor leagues. I'd be 0 for 2, and then in my last at-bat I'd hit a chopper that wouldn't even reach the shortstop, and I'd get a hit out of it. The guys would be all over me, but a hit's a hit. I'll take 3,000 of 'em.

I didn't get a lot of awards as a player. But they did have a Bob Uecker Day Off for me once in Philly.

I have an Alka-Seltzer bat. You know-plop, plop, fizz, fizz, when the pitcher sees me walking up there he says, 'Oh, what a relief it is'.

I hated to bat against Drysdale. After he hit you he'd come around, look at the bruise on your arm and say, 'Do you want me to sign it?'

Wait until Tommy Lasorda meets the Lord and finds out He's wearing pinstripes

I was such a dangerous hitter I even got intentional walks during batting practice.

Baseball's Opening Day is full of time-honored traditions: the President throws out the first ball, the Cubs' starting pitcher walks away with a 54.00 ERA, the Royals get mathematically eliminated from the pennant race.

I always loved the signs on the outfield walls, and I'll never forget the one in Philadelphia. It said, 'The Phillies use Lifebuoy soap,' and underneath was scrawled, 'And they still stink.'