Norm MacDonald Quotes

Most men act so tough and strong on the outside because on the inside, we are scared, weak, and fragile. Men, not women, are the weaker sex.

I didn't want to be short. I've tried to pretend that being a short guy didn't matter. I tried to make up for being short by affecting a strut, by adopting the voice of a much bigger man, by spending more money than I made, by tipping double or triple at bars and restaurants, by dating tall, beautiful women.

I talk so much about sex that girls just want to meet me.

Male makeup is men's titles, status and paying for dates. Makeup is what both sexes use to bridge the gap between the power they have and the power they'd like to have. Both male and female makeup are compensations for feelings of powerlessness.

Perhaps the less we have, the more we are required to brag.

Power is America's last dirty word. It is easier to talk about money - and much easier to talk about sex - than it is to talk about power.

I'll tell you something. Once I was very fond of a poem by Emily Dickinson or somebody. I only remember one line of it, but it goes, 'The soul selects her own society.' I used to tell it to everybody. Once I quoted it to a friend of mine, and he said, 'Maybe, but the body gets thrown into bed with the goddamnedest people.

So, Ms. Fluke and the rest of you feminazis, here's the deal: If we are going to pay for you to have sex, we want something for it, and I'll tell you what it is - we want you to post the videos online so we can all watch.

All poets pretend to write for immortality, but the whole tribe have no objection to present pay, and present praise. Lord Burleigh is not the only statesman who has thought one hundred pounds too much for a song, though sung by Spenser; although Oliver Goldsmith is the only poet who ever considered himself to have been overpaid.

Feminists are forever discovering subtle new forms of sexism and then beating men around the head and shoulders with it. It is left to the rest of us to suffer the inevitable backlash this provokes among men. Besides, the feminists have the Federal Government behind them.

When a nice girl overcompensates, her behavior says, “What I have to offer isn’t enough, and who I am isn’t enough.

Men will pay large sums to whores for telling them they are not bores.

You gotta be cool when you're macho man, cuz you can't be sensitive and care about someone having a good time in bed, cuz that's too scary... When you don't use sensitivity when you're having sex, or share some of your soul, nothing gonna happen, because men really get afraid. Men really get scared in bed.

You can boast about anything if it's all you have. Maybe the less you have, the more you are required to boast.

Talented men are not threatened by talented women. They welcome them. And same way with real men.

My brain is very fantastical. If I ever actually recorded myself, I could probably win a Grammy for sex talk. Being on the road while in relationships, you need to learn to pleasure one another.

The 808 kick drum makes the girlies get dumb, We're rollin' Rainier, and the jealous wanna get some. Every time we do the sucka MC's wanna battle, I'm the man they love to hate, the J.R. Ewing of Seattle.

Men are weak and constantly need reassurance, so now that they fail to find adulation in the opposite sex, they're turning to each other. Less and less do men need women. More and more do gentlemen prefer gentlemen.

We need a fundamental change of mindset with regards to the way we speak and behave about sex and sexuality. Boys and men have a particularly critical role in this regard, changing the chauvinist and demeaning ways sexuality and women were traditionally dealt with in both our actions and speaking.

Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?

Had enough of my poetry yet? That's why they pay me to fight demons instead.

My brother tried to explain sex to me when I was 7 - and he did it with a cup.

If a guy pays you five dollars, you give him seven dollars worth of work.

Beauty, like male ballet dancers, makes some men afraid.